Peering into my heart.

I am a mom. A mom of a 5-month old baby girl. I love every moment of it.

I am also an event planner. I love my job.

I am torn between these two.

Obedience. Trust. Faith. Things I am desperately grasping to put into practice today as my heart is playing the tune of the gloomy, sad ending of the sinking of the titanic. My decision to be a stay-at-home mom is one that is out of obedience to the Lord. I can go on and on listing the pro’s of being home with my baby, but  on the other side of the scale, is leaving the job I love. I oh-so wish I could balance both. For the past 5 months I have been wrestling with the idea of how ‘I can make this work’.  Today my heart sank into my stomach as I reviewed resumes of those wanting MY JOB! It’s hard.

As I sat before the Lord with these grieving thoughts racing through my heart (of this new calling in my life), the Lord brought me to a place of remembrance in my prayer. I could feel Him reigning in every thought and reminding me of ‘fish nets’. I knew where He was leading me. My mind played the reel as the scene begins with Peter and Andrew- doing what they loved, what they were good at, what they have done their whole lives and were successful at- fishing (Matthew 4: 18-22).  The moment that Jesus found them, their net was already cast into the ocean (verse18b). Knowing the rest of the story, I pondered what it meant to have the net cast into the ocean as God the Son would call them to abandon it all and follow Him. They were committed and invested in gaining an income, reputation, provision, success, things…. More deeply their hearts, had an investment in their career.

Jesus didn’t send them an outlook calendar appointment. He didn’t come with Starbucks in hand to make things more palatable. No. Instead, He interrupted their fishing schedule with:

Follow Me, I will make you fishers of men. He says.

Without even a formal introduction. Peter and Andrew instantly abandoned ship and followed. Leaving behind all their successes and failures, they followed this Man blinded-ly. In sync with every right or left turn He made, they stayed close as He was bringing them to their destination. The stench of the ocean and fish didn’t distract or even cause Jesus to reconsider the calling of these guys. He led. They followed.

It isn’t a bad thing to have a career, or success….. having a light-touch on those things is the hard part, especially when you enjoy what you do!

My heart stinks. I mean, it carries a rancid stench wreaking of the decay of this world. My senses have somehow become dull to it’s rotting away. I want more than anything a riddance of this tight grasp I have on what I enjoy in life. This has been a difficult decision for my type-A, multi-tasking, driven, self.

As I sat, my heart quietly and timidly spoke “Lord, as I let go of this job that I love, remind me that even greater things than these you are calling me to now.” I hear Elisabeth Elliot’s  voice saying “you must learn to trust and obey, you MUST LEARN to trust and obey…..” Yes, Elisabeth, I do.

Following Jesus today…. As I sit in a turning lane in silence, with my blinker on, I yield my heart to His will, yet again, as we make this turn, onto a new season with a new calling. Glad He is driving.

Learning to be thankful to God for giving me more than I deserve.




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